Fucked ... in the fucking ear.

I don’t know what happened.  It seems as though everyone around me has grown up and is focusing on their schoolwork while I sit around being a slacker.  I hate doing work.  I’ve been doing work my entire life.  I want a fucking break.  But I can’t take a break because that’s not what people expect of me.   

For once, I’d like to just blow off school and do whatever the fuck I want.  The point is that I can’t get a job without a degree and I can’t get a degree without school.  So where does that leave me? Fucked is what it is.  I’ve never had my priorities straight and I know that.  I still don’t have them straight and I have no idea what I’m going to be doing in the next few years.  

If I had a choice, I would be at an Academy of Art or an Art Institute so I could study costume design like I wanted to.  But that can’t happen because I’m broke and I didn’t get my priorities straight the first time around.  I assumed that I was supposed to go to a UC because that’s what I was trained to do.  High school was the launching pad for a UC education.  Of course, that wasn’t what I wanted, that’s what everyone else around me wanted, and I went along with it because I thought it was the right thing.  

My life so far has been a huge series of missteps and I don’t’ know if I can fix it now because I’m so far down one road that it seems like I won’t be able to work my way back to the other side.  It’s like life is a river and two opposing banks.  Right now, I’m on one side and I want to just jump over to the other side but the river is getting wider and wider and I don’t know if I can make it across or even backtrack far enough before my life ends.  

It would seem that the most logical thing for me to do is to take a job this year and work weekends and apply to an art school for transfer or as an incoming Freshman and just leave my entire UC career behind.  Or, I get a degree in Economics from UC Davis and then apply to an art school.  The biggest problem is that I won’t be out of school until I’m 26 or possibly later.  Who the fuck knows.

5 down, 48 to go

I've started in on my new plan to fit my goddamned dress and it's going better this week than last week.  I am essentially planning on doing the 3-day Cardiac diet for Monday, Tuesday, and Wednesday, fasting on Thursday, and nibbling on granola bars, fruit, cheese, and saltines through the weekend.  Best part is I'm limited to a certain number of foods and I like them all so it's all cool.  It's been 2 days and I've lost 5 pounds so I have 5 days to lose another 5 pounds, including today.  I had an extra ounce of cheese and hella more crackers than I was supposed to but it doesn't look too bad right now as I've only gained .4 pounds from everything I've consumed today which doesn't bother me as much as I thought it would.  Anyway, hopefully I'll be 10 pounds lighter by next Monday.  

Aside from the food, I've worked an exercise plan.  I walk my dog everyday for an hour and since it's been boiling hot outside, I can even out my t-shirt tan and sweat more.  Therefore burning more calories.  In addition, I've come up with a plan to do an abs and arms sort of workout to build muscle which helps with my metabolism and toning.  

Much more for later.  God I hope this works.

I've fallen and I don't think I'll be getting up.  As wonderful as the ABC diet was, I couldn't seem to get control of myself.  Maybe I don't have the disorder I though I did.  All I know is that I have a problem, not which one.  I could be suffering from a myriad of other mental illnesses that no one knows about.  I think what freaks me out the most is that I don't know if I'll be able to fit into my dress by July.  As shallow as that sounds and as many other more important things I have to do, that's my greatest concern right now.  It's sad but it's my life.  

My aunt has agreed to diet with me but I presented it in a way that she would get.  I'm going to try the 3 day Cardiac Diet for about a month and see where that takes me.  So for 4 weeks, my goal is to lose at least 7 pounds in the first three days and then maintain that weight for the next four days.  By that time, I'll have lost 28+ pounds and then I'll have 22+ pounds to lose in one month and about 17 days.  If I can manage to lose significantly more than 28 pounds in 4 weeks, then I might continue it for another week or 2.  Otherwise, it's straight to back to the ABC diet again or maybe 02468 diet this time around.  God I hope this works.

Yesterday was a pretty damn good day ... until I got home and my aunt started talking about food.  Thank god she's going to be gone for more than a week.  I'm going to feel guilty for dumping out the food she made me but it's the only way.

In other news, today was a 2-waffles-1-banana kind of day.  At least that's what I had this morning.  I'll probably nibble on some of the beans my aunt cooked up and then have an orange at night.  Today was Take 2 at Day 2 of ABC and it's been going alright.  I don't feel completely terrible about the waffles as I normally do but that might have to do with me watching Star Trek whilst eating them.

Continuing on with the new news, I've decided to revive the movie blog I had planned.  I've almost 100% convinced my aunt to get Netflix and then it's on.  This weekend I'm attending the Davis Feminist Film Festival and I'll post a review for that when I get around to it.  I'd also be more than happy to indulge all 0 of my readers in a review of Star Trek the very second after I see it.  It makes me happy to know that some day, some one will be reading my blogs. That seems to be all that is important at this day and time.

Kirk -- I mean ... Lily out.

Fuck me ...

I completely dropped the ball in the first 6 days of ABC.  I not only let myself down but my body down and that just sucks because I'm eating like a mother fucker.  The binges just get bad at night because I can usually control myself during the day but I've deprived myself all day that I just lose control.  I haven't kept up with my schedule of exercise and eating at all but I'm hoping I can hold the fort down until Tuesday again where I can pick my schedule back up.  The goal right now is to get down to 175 before Tuesday so I have less than 2 and a half days to do that.  I don't know if it'll work but I'll try fasting on Sunday and restricting on Monday and maybe taking laxatives Monday night to clear it all out.  Let's hope it works this time around.

Why I Made Myself Cry

So last night I was cruising the ABC diet website I've been addicted to and to be hones, I was being kind of stupid about it.  I decided to check out the 57 reasons I shouldn't eat and I guess that sort of made me break down.  Everything was so mean but I knew it was all so true.  Aside from that, I've decided that I need to read it every time I feel like I might on on a major binge.  Hopefully I won't have to do it too often because I might have to find other things to keep me from binges that may not work as well.  I guess I'm essentially brainwashing myself but I'm totally fine with it.

Today's menu was a little weird.  i ate most of my calories during breakfast and I think I have a few extra calories left over for today.  Thank god I have class really late because otherwise, I probably would have broken down and binged again like I did last night.  So to the breakdown

Breakfast:

Tortilla - 150 calories

2 eggs (scrambled) - 200 calories

2 tbsp Ketchup - 30 calories

1/8 cup cheese - 40 calories

Lunch/Dinner

Small apple - 50 calories

Diet Coke - 0 calories

TOTAL: 470 calories

Dropping The Ball

I've definitely neglected this blog because I've been so caught up with attempting recovery and just going on a 4 month binge fest and regaining all my weight as well as taking care of my new dog.  I'll probably be posting here everyday because I've just started the ABC diet and its 50 days of me just dropping the weight.  I tried to check out the days for each of the fasts and I'm going to have to officially start tomorrow because most of the fasts were landing on days that I wouldn't be able to successfully get through unless I was in class most of the day.  I'm really looking forward to loosing a lot of weight and hopefully around 40 pounds by the end of the 50 days.  It's wishful thinking but I need to really push myself.

The main reason I need to lose a ton of weight is because I have to fit into a size 6 dress by July 19 for the Azkatraz fashion show.  I already sewed the dress together and the fabric has very little give so I'm forced to fit into it.  

The plan is to walk my dog for an hour every morning so I get my hour long walk in and some days I'll be able to do more.  I'll also be doing a half hour of crunches, push ups, and jumping jacks.  I'm really excited for this because I feel like I've spend way too much time gaining weight and I really need to get it together.  There's definitely a reason why I pulled out of recovery before I hit a new high of 190 pounds but it seems like it isn't so great of a reason.  Maybe I just need to come to terms with the fact that my friend's attempts to tell me that I'm not fat really backfired on him and now it's like I'm trying to live up to what everyone says I am which is not fat and not skinny but normal.  I'm definitely fat so once I lose it all, I know they won't be lying to me anymore.