Wandering Waif

I want to be completely free of this life and be thin but still pretty average.  I mean I just want to disappear and detach myself from almost everything that's keeping me here. Part of it being my lack of a job, university, and my family. All I want to take with me is my dogs. And I don't even want like an unlimited bank account or anything. Maybe it's asking too much. I can honestly list the things I want on one hand.

1) My dogs
2) A job at a bookstore
3) An apartment that allows dogs
4) Ikea shopping spree
5) Be thin

Honestly I can't think of anything else. I recently spent a week away from my dogs and I was petting my stuffed animal because I missed them so much so there really isn't a way for me to leave them for too long. However, I wouldn't mind being able to travel alone for like a few days at a time. I feel so greedy for even asking for this much.

Alone vs. Lonely

My mom thinks it's strange that I don't want to get touched by a baby. For one, I was getting sick. Secondly, I just think babies are strange. Their small and they look freaky. Yes I understand everyone was once a baby but that doesn't change the fact that I think infants are still strange.

The truth is, I just don't like being touched by people. I rarely give hugs and I'm not entirely comfortable with even kissing people on the cheek so its air kisses all the way. I realize there has to be something wrong with me. But I don't know what to do about this. I also prefer being alone and I've pretty much been lonely for most of my life despite being surrounded by people.

Of course since my mom now knows that I don't like being around people, and she thinks I need to see a shrink. I've said before that I wish I'd seen a shrink. Now I don't want to because my mom thinks it'll help me. Part of this might also be due to the fact that I told her that I don't care if she's seeing someone and I don't really see a reason to meet him or anything. She showed me a picture of him even though I didn't want to and man is he fat. Fatter than me at least.

Sorry at this point I'm just rambling. The point is I like being alone. I've dealt with all my issues on my own for almost 20 years now and I don't need help from anyone. I also don't give a shit what my parents are or aren't doing and I don't need to know anything about it.

Exercise

The other day I went for a walk/jog for the first time in awhile. Surprisingly my legs weren't sore the next day but my back was. I still don't know how it happened.

Besides that, I'm going to slowly build up my stamina so I can jog for longer each time. Now that my back is fine again, I'm glad to get back to it. Hopefully I won't be as sore each time and I can burn more as my endurance builds.  Just hoping for the best, hoping.

When people know ...

It's a little difficult to work your way out of what you've told them.

I've told two of my closest friends and my ex-boyfriend turned close friend turned almost boyfriend turned distant friend. And I've regretted it. I ended up gaining so much weight because they talked me out of what I was doing to myself.  I was so weak that I got talked out of it. What does that mean for me? Does it mean that anytime at any moment I could go back to being normal? It's nicer being normal. I was happier being normal. But there was always a part of me that wanted to be thin. They say the heart wants what the heart wants after all. Maybe I am super weak. And maybe they all think I've recovered. I haven't. There's no way I could let go of what I want.

I know they mean well but to them, if you ever read this, I'm sorry. I can't always be the happy cheerful me, especially when I'm alone like this. It's not your fault. I abandoned you because I didn't want anyone to hold me back anymore. For all of this, I'm truly sorry.

Back Again

I think I've returned to this blog too many times to count. But without fail, it's always here. I'm going to stop saying that I'm back for good because for some reason, whenever I say that, I always drop the ball on this project. In any case, I considered not transferring my old posts but they're a part of me and shit like that you can't ignore. I don't have any readers but it's good to know I still have somewhere to vent my frustrations.

At the moment, I'm in a strange mood. I want to do nothing but lie in bed and sleep but I can't sleep. Whenever I find myself in certain positions, I always think "There's no way this looks cute" and "It would look so much cuter if I was thinner". So instead of sulking without doing anything, I decided to take up the blog again. It's now separated from my original account so I don't have to be afraid of people I know finding it anymore.

More in terms of my weight and my concerns, I'm really ashamed of what I weigh right now. It's really no excuse but since I've had to deal with my family falling apart and my grandmother on the verge of death, I gained about 40 lbs. I hate myself so much and all I want to do is take a knife to my stomach and my thighs and my arms and cut it all off. I've already cut my stomach a few times because I'm too ashamed to do it anywhere else.  If I were to admit my weight on this blog I think I would cry and be so disgusted with myself.  So I won't say anything. It's such a pitiful thing. I can't even admit to myself how gross and how nasty I am. I really want to hide in my room and never come out until I'm thin. I want to pull a Sleeping Beauty except wake up skeletal and malnourished. But I know that hoping for something like that is something I don't deserve. What I deserve is the pain and the suffering because I'm this fat already.  It's funny how a masochist like me would want to numb pain but still want to suffer through it. I fully admit that anyone with an eating disorder is, no offense, a little fucked in the head. But if you acknowledge that you have a disorder then you know that already. For now, I'm going to pretend that I'm not completely hideous and that there is hope for me and that one day I might be pretty.

I've been lying. I've been eating while I'm supposed to be fasting. I'm sorry.

I'll be fasting from here on out. I'm only allowed jars of baby food, diet coke, water, and black coffee. Lattes on Sunday mornings are allowed. Nothing else.

Also, had a bit of a scare on the highway last night. I was driving back home to get away from my family because they utterly piss me off. It was around 1:30 am and I couldn't stay in my mother's house any longer. The energy was too thick and negative so I had to go. Seeing as it was so late at night I was really tired and almost fell asleep a few times. Unfortunately when I got home, my aunt had put the deadbolt on the door and I couldn't get from the garage into the house so I slept in the car.

Needless to say, it was one of the worst nights of my life. It may fall in between the night my dad told me he was leaving my mom and the night of the funeral for my grandfather. Both of which had me expend most of my emotion during the day, allowing me to sleep peacefully at night. I take it back.

There was one night where I got very little sleep. I was a very young teenager and we were leaving a hotel after an out of state competition. My friend's dad had said something like "____, is that your thong under the bed?". Of course the first thing I thought of was the underwear. It wasn't until after an entire night of wondering if my best friend was wearing thongs and being creeped out by her dad did I realize he probably meant the shoe.

I am so backwards it's scary.

It's even worse than I thought. I've just looked back on my previous posts and I can't believe I let it get this bad. At the beginning of February I was so determined to get my shit together and I've completely fucked up. I haven't gained more weight but I haven't lost any either.

I'm fasting starting at midnight tonight until next Saturday. I'm also taking Jack for a walk every day. I'm also doing all the exercises I had planned for myself. I will be back to 180 in two weeks. I have to be back to 180 in two weeks. I was 180 when this whole mess started. If I can get back there then I can get focused again. Or at least continue my focused sort of diet. Continue my fasting if you will.