Spread too thin ...

Well not the way I want to be yet but I mean I have a buttload of accounts online and I just realize I may have overstretched myself.  My myspace account is going down because I don't even use that anymore and the person I kept it for has a phone now so no reason to keep that shit.  But on top of that I have a Facebook, a YouTube account, a Twitter, a LiveJournal, and this.  So I'll be going back and forth between my LiveJournal and this account but for the most part they should be the same.  The rest stay though because I'm having too much fun.  

Tuesday = The fast before the flush ... wish me luck!

Cookie Dough is ...

The bane of my existence.  My aunt made some cookie dough today and then she left to go to Costco.  My dumb ass decided to leave the confines of my room and seek some form of nourishment and discard of some food that I should have eaten and didn't.  And then I spotted it.  That glorious silver bowl of cookie dough and I couldn't resist.  Before I knew it I was downing piece after piece and I couldn't stop.  Finally I got a hold of myself and felt like throwing up but I never could do it.  So I sat around and decided that dinner was not an option tonight.  Then as I ran back to my room to read, my aunt came back and started backing the damn things.  Now my whole fucking house smells like cookies and the only places that don't are my room and my bathroom.  Not cool.

Blow Your Fucking Mind Out

At 8 AM on this glorious Monday morning, it was announced on The Woody Show who would be playing Not So Silent Night 2008 on Thursday December 12th.  Now for those of you who don't know, I can't tell you much about NSSN because last year I was supposed to go but no one would go with me and therefore my parents wouldn't let me go on my own.  But mostly, NSSN is a group of bands who come together on one night and play a fucking awesome show.  This year, the lineup is bomb.  I mean I was jumping around my room as they announced each band that was going to play and completely freaking out.  So before I delay any further with my boring banter, the lineup this year is The Killers, Franz Ferdinand, Death Cab for Cutie, Bloc Party, and Jack's Mannequin.  If you just released some sort of waste due to lack of control over bodily functions then I applaud you.  Yes this lineup is phenomenal and I will be going even if it means missing my final.  Well not really but I have a final Thursday afternoon and then another final Friday afternoon and the concert is in between so yes I am going no matter what.  Check out Live105.com for more details.

The Effects of Dairy

I still haven't learned that Dairy is no good for me.  I haven't had dairy in awhile and I shot my system by having it this weekend.  Really bad idea.  I mean the run off was great because I just kept going and I felt really good about it but I did it again today and now my stomach hurts like a bitch and I'm feeling really sick.

Finished a photo album of thinspiration today and I'm really happy with it.  And to finish this album I had to go out and get some photo paper so that was a good bike ride for me.  As I was coming back home after this ride, I was on a roll and I hadn't really stopped and the adrenaline was pumping so the second I got in the house, I was inspired to keep on working out.  I ended up doing crunches through the entire length of the Panic! at the Disco song "Lying is the Most Fun a Girl Can  Have ...".  Second on my list was arm exercises and I did 16 push ups and held the plank for 1 minute straight.  Last was a 4-minute cardio and that definitely topped things off.  I think I just found my perfect workout. =]

And I Fail Yet Again

If there are 2 words I can use to describe what I'm feeling right now it's bloated and guilty.  So I'm on my period and I always use that to justify why I eat more than I should but now that I've changed up my diet I should have resisted.  Of course, knowing me, I tried to come up with the most reasons to binge.  I counted today as the fourth day of since the saltwater flush so I figured reason number 2 was that I needed to keep my body informed of its regular duties.  Reason number 3 was that I needed to clear some of the food out of the fridge to make it seem like I was still eating normally.  And my last and probably worst reason yet was that I was walking around San Francisco on Friday and there was a lot of walking going on so I did some exercise.

Talk about pathetic.  When did I get it in my head that it was alright for me to eat or even have a day where I could eat what I wanted too.  If there is any progress to be made around here, then I need to keep myself under control.  self control can last more than 3 days.  I will prove it to myself and everyone else.  I can be skinny again because I want it that bad.  If there is one thing I have failed at and I know I can succeed at it's at this.  There is no reason for me to fail.  Food is the enemy and it can be conquered.  It's been done many times before and I will be another person to conquer said foe.

Moving on to better news, I spent my Friday at the Amoeba Records in Berkeley and in San Francisco and scored on a fuck ton of new CDs.  You can't go wrong with Amoeba because most of the CDs there are sometimes said but also very cheap.  A totally bargain that is definitely worth the trip to Haight Street.  Amoeba boasts a great and very extensive collection of music in not only CDs but also in LPs which I meant to grab a few of but I still haven't figured out how to use my record player. =/

In even greater news, I found great celebrity thinspiration for myself.  I think she was always somewhere in the back of my mind as some of the influence for my choice along with Keira Knightley and Nicole Richie.  Of course my muse is closer to my age and therefore forces me to see that there really is no reason for me to be so fat.  Thank the gods for letting me find Kristen Stewart and images from her Elle 2007 photoshoot.  Thank god for that. =]

Revelations

As I was sitting in class today I started typing up this blog post.  Most of it's just random thoughts that happen to pop into my head.  I hope it makes sense to all 0 of my readers. =]

I was walking on campus the other day and I passed a girl wearing a shirt that said "Welcome to Paradise".  All I could think was that she was no where close to Paradise because she was so fat   Then I realized I wasn't paradise either.

We as a society begrudgingly accept people who are overweight.  We make them new bigger clothes and make accomodations for them in our everyday lives as if they're acceptable to be seen in public.  And now they think so too.  They're fucking infiltrating as if it's okay to be fat now.  It's not.  You're fat and ugly and I can't believe anyone could love you unless they were paid to do it.

Did my first saltwater flush yesterday.  And in a word, it was gross.  The feeling after the whole process though was really satisfying.  I'm not gonna lie, stomaching the saltwater is nasty as hell and it'll make you feel really full especially if you haven't eaten for almost 24 hours.  You'll feel even fatter for awhile but you're essentially draining all the extra crap from your system.  I intend to do this once a week because when I don't eat, I don't really pass anything which gets frustrating because you know it's all in there making you even fatter than normal.  With this basically taking care of that problem I think I won't be so frustrated when I don't immediately lose weight.  Hopefully we can see how this first week goes with the second flush.  I'm going for 5 pounds but I doubt I'll get that.

And then I ate 1 cup of white rice with 2 teaspoons of rice vinegar, a half teaspoon of sugar, and a half teaspoon of salt.  I had a bit of my aunt's salmon with it.  I kind of cut it up into small pieces and i ate it bit by bit but I think I could have eaten less and survived.

DISCLAIMER

So turns out there's this thing called college that I've been apparently trained to get into since who knows when.  I'm here now and I'm a FOOHS or Fresh Out Of High School.  I hate it.  I don't live on campus because my family can't afford it and we couldn't get financial aid so I'm living with my aunt.  Apparently I'm missing out on the college experience.  Aside from my problems with college and a few of my overzealous professors, I believe that I have deeper psychological problems and this is going to be a sort of therapy for me.  If you're afraid of people with problems don't bother coming near.  On this page you'll find everything you could possibly think could bother someone mentally.  I say this now so you can't blame me for passing it on to you.

I've tried numerous times to try to relate some of my "problems" to those around me and in a not so surprising act reminiscent of teenage angst, I feel no one understands me.  Now this isn't a blog where I'm going to cry over myself on purpose and make you feel bad for me, though crying may be involved, but I'm going to lay out for you the way my life is.  I can assure you, you won't understand so don't try too hard to figure out what the hell is wrong with me.  I don't even know.  Don't try to fix me because clearly it hasn't worked.  Don't try to preach to me, that hasn't worked either.  To put it as simply as possible, I'm an 18 year old atheistic horny virginal college student who harbors unhealthy obsessions for vampires, wizards, movies, music, and gum, who thinks too much and has been battling with God and her inner demons which include a severe mental eating disorder that has come to manifest itself more physically in the past few weeks.  Try unscrambling that hot fucked up mess.