Exercise

The other day I went for a walk/jog for the first time in awhile. Surprisingly my legs weren't sore the next day but my back was. I still don't know how it happened.

Besides that, I'm going to slowly build up my stamina so I can jog for longer each time. Now that my back is fine again, I'm glad to get back to it. Hopefully I won't be as sore each time and I can burn more as my endurance builds.  Just hoping for the best, hoping.

When people know ...

It's a little difficult to work your way out of what you've told them.

I've told two of my closest friends and my ex-boyfriend turned close friend turned almost boyfriend turned distant friend. And I've regretted it. I ended up gaining so much weight because they talked me out of what I was doing to myself.  I was so weak that I got talked out of it. What does that mean for me? Does it mean that anytime at any moment I could go back to being normal? It's nicer being normal. I was happier being normal. But there was always a part of me that wanted to be thin. They say the heart wants what the heart wants after all. Maybe I am super weak. And maybe they all think I've recovered. I haven't. There's no way I could let go of what I want.

I know they mean well but to them, if you ever read this, I'm sorry. I can't always be the happy cheerful me, especially when I'm alone like this. It's not your fault. I abandoned you because I didn't want anyone to hold me back anymore. For all of this, I'm truly sorry.

Back Again

I think I've returned to this blog too many times to count. But without fail, it's always here. I'm going to stop saying that I'm back for good because for some reason, whenever I say that, I always drop the ball on this project. In any case, I considered not transferring my old posts but they're a part of me and shit like that you can't ignore. I don't have any readers but it's good to know I still have somewhere to vent my frustrations.

At the moment, I'm in a strange mood. I want to do nothing but lie in bed and sleep but I can't sleep. Whenever I find myself in certain positions, I always think "There's no way this looks cute" and "It would look so much cuter if I was thinner". So instead of sulking without doing anything, I decided to take up the blog again. It's now separated from my original account so I don't have to be afraid of people I know finding it anymore.

More in terms of my weight and my concerns, I'm really ashamed of what I weigh right now. It's really no excuse but since I've had to deal with my family falling apart and my grandmother on the verge of death, I gained about 40 lbs. I hate myself so much and all I want to do is take a knife to my stomach and my thighs and my arms and cut it all off. I've already cut my stomach a few times because I'm too ashamed to do it anywhere else.  If I were to admit my weight on this blog I think I would cry and be so disgusted with myself.  So I won't say anything. It's such a pitiful thing. I can't even admit to myself how gross and how nasty I am. I really want to hide in my room and never come out until I'm thin. I want to pull a Sleeping Beauty except wake up skeletal and malnourished. But I know that hoping for something like that is something I don't deserve. What I deserve is the pain and the suffering because I'm this fat already.  It's funny how a masochist like me would want to numb pain but still want to suffer through it. I fully admit that anyone with an eating disorder is, no offense, a little fucked in the head. But if you acknowledge that you have a disorder then you know that already. For now, I'm going to pretend that I'm not completely hideous and that there is hope for me and that one day I might be pretty.

I've been lying. I've been eating while I'm supposed to be fasting. I'm sorry.

I'll be fasting from here on out. I'm only allowed jars of baby food, diet coke, water, and black coffee. Lattes on Sunday mornings are allowed. Nothing else.

Also, had a bit of a scare on the highway last night. I was driving back home to get away from my family because they utterly piss me off. It was around 1:30 am and I couldn't stay in my mother's house any longer. The energy was too thick and negative so I had to go. Seeing as it was so late at night I was really tired and almost fell asleep a few times. Unfortunately when I got home, my aunt had put the deadbolt on the door and I couldn't get from the garage into the house so I slept in the car.

Needless to say, it was one of the worst nights of my life. It may fall in between the night my dad told me he was leaving my mom and the night of the funeral for my grandfather. Both of which had me expend most of my emotion during the day, allowing me to sleep peacefully at night. I take it back.

There was one night where I got very little sleep. I was a very young teenager and we were leaving a hotel after an out of state competition. My friend's dad had said something like "____, is that your thong under the bed?". Of course the first thing I thought of was the underwear. It wasn't until after an entire night of wondering if my best friend was wearing thongs and being creeped out by her dad did I realize he probably meant the shoe.

I am so backwards it's scary.

It's even worse than I thought. I've just looked back on my previous posts and I can't believe I let it get this bad. At the beginning of February I was so determined to get my shit together and I've completely fucked up. I haven't gained more weight but I haven't lost any either.

I'm fasting starting at midnight tonight until next Saturday. I'm also taking Jack for a walk every day. I'm also doing all the exercises I had planned for myself. I will be back to 180 in two weeks. I have to be back to 180 in two weeks. I was 180 when this whole mess started. If I can get back there then I can get focused again. Or at least continue my focused sort of diet. Continue my fasting if you will.

Reminiscing

No one is reading this now. There is no one to answer to and no one to talk to. Good and bad. I could care less at this point. All I want is to be thin.

I remember as a kid I would watch Sailor Moon and marvel at how perfect they were. They're legs were so long and thin and it didn't help that their skirts were so short. I admired cartoons. I don't care if I look like one. In fact, I'd prefer looking like a cartoon as opposed to the fat blob I am now.

I guess that's it for now. Except for that this also signals my return to blogging. I'm definitely happy about that.

Back Home Again

I hate myself. I don't just hate my body. I hate myself. With the fire of a thousand suns. I hate myself. I can't articulately express how much I hate myself. Not kidding, I've gained 30 pounds since I've last been here. And now you know why I hate myself so much. It's not just that I've gained it but that I let it happen. I can't believe I let myself lose control like that but it's all over now. I'm getting my shit together before it's too late. Before I'm too far gone. Before I get so fat that I no longer have a will to live. I refuse to be fat. I refuse to die fat.

So here's the plan, my aunt is going to be starting the Cabbage Soup Diet so she'll be ingesting copious amounts of well, cabbage soup. She won't be trying to make food for me so I'll be free to eat my baby food or just not eat at all, which would be best. I have 14 jars which is 2 meals per day for 7 days (Feb. 8th - 14th). Then, before my dentist's appointment on the 20th, I can, nay will fast for 5 days (Feb. 15th - 19th). My greatest obstacle is the weekend of the 20th and 21st. I'm going to be around family but if I can find ways to get out of the house, then there's a possibility that I may be able to eat a minimum amount. But then the last week in February is a chance to finally get all my shit together and a final stretch. My goal is to lose 20 lbs. and I think it's achievable with exercise and my lack of eating.

I will do this. I will win. I will lose weight.